I’ve been neglecting this blog. I’ve been neglecting a lot of things as I am staying focused on work and trying to make sure my life of solitude doesn’t kill me before the virus does.
My photography has taking a dip once again. My limited social activities before this have ceased entirely. Grocery shopping gives me panic attacks now, cause me not to be able to sleep for 3 days afterwards. The phone never rigs, a text here and there though. Discord is dead quiet as well, no friends playing video games. The quiet is so quiet now it is deafening.
Our President shifts gears, looks like it will be May before things “might possibly” get back to normal. I tend to call a few friends here and there to check on them, to hear a friendly voice and not the one in my head. Conversations are usually short with out much substance other than some words passing in the wind.
I ask myself, was I that bad of a person that the loneliest and darkest of days leaves me feeling this way? I’ve always tried to be the best I could be, as kind as I could be. Though inflicted with the human condition does not leave one infallible, without flaws.
I’ve dealt with this before but not to the measure we are face today. The best I can do is tune the silence out, warm myself with productivity. Considering I am not survived by anyone. I did go through great measures to make sure my crumbling facade of an empire goes to people that it will help. I’ve etched into law, paper to ink, DO NOT VENTILATE, DO NOT INTUBATE, DO NOT RESUSCITATE!
My goal is not to give up. Yet, if faced with that time to give the last thing I have to give. Maybe someone will no lose a child, a parent, a sibling or a spouse. Just maybe someone will not have to lose all the things I have either already lost or never had.
For now I keep toiling. Jotting down what I can. Stay safe, stay healthy and just be kind